I was talking to Kael a bit last night about restarting FFXIV, and he said "It's been 5 years" and I'm amazed at how, yeah, holy shit, we've known each other 5 years this summer. It's insane to me how you meet someone and it feels new, then bam. It's been half a decade. Thinking back on the fact that I've known a couple of my RS friends since I learned how to drive is also insanity, to me. When we were at the memorial service, Kahl (not Kael) talked about how I've known her and we've been friends for ~10-11 years, too. Where does time go?
And this is true for the fact that people tell me I had my dad for 33 years, but they don't understand that in many ways, I am still a kid and I need my dad to help me grow, and honestly 33 years doesn't feel like a long time. That said, he lost his dad when he was 18. My mom when she was in her 60s. She told me that honestly we will never feel ready to lose our parents, and that it hurts and you feel lost and that you still needed them no matter what age you were.
I'm lucky to have learned what I could from him, and that I can still figure things out on my own thanks to knowing the way he'd do stuff. It still just surprises and hurts me every time I find something wrong and my first instinct is "Call mom so I can figure out what dad's doing so I can ask for help." The shock is still there, and with it the extreme pain, and that is okay. It's part of grief. I was told that it hurts so bad because I love him so much and it's true. I do, and did, and will. I will never feel like I had enough time with him, even if he'd gone when he was 120.
The way he passed, though, makes me think that perhaps his own prayers were answered over ours. His mother had Alzheimers, and now his brother does as well. He said he never, ever wanted to go that way, and watching some videos I've watched for class reinforce the fact that he was probably on that path. As much as it feels my insides are wrung out to dry, and as much as I hate to say it, this was probably the best route to go on his terms.
My department head told me that we're given the breath of life first, and then our name. And a lot of us don't like the name we're given, but it's the first gift our parents give us, so we keep it. I was named after a Cardinals baseball announcer, which is stupid. But that's what my dad liked. Anyway, we're given and given and given, as life goes on, and we're given firsts and lessons and this and that and one day, things start being taken from us, and that doesn't feel good.
He told me, though, that instead of thinking of things that are taken from us, we should, instead, think about the fact that it's now our turn to give things, whether that's to our own children, to pets, to nieces and nephews, and that did help a little. My nephew is currently playing BG3 so I asked him about that. I'll try to focus on giving my animals the love my dad would have (not that I don't love them already) and giving my younger friends insight on life they may not think about.
The night of the memorial I had to go buy Dr. Pepper, and I saw a girl I'd worked with at one of my other jobs. She's a senior in HS now, and I asked her if she liked this place better. She said yes, because after me and the other "adult" left it got really toxic. That didn't surprise me. I told her to keep doing well in school and to look out for herself.
I think one of the best things we can do for younger people is just be approachable. I made a good friend last summer while working as a student and since then I've watched him make a lot of "first" decisions as an adult. Do I agree with all of them? Nah. But he knows I'm here in case something goes ass up. I love that kid like he's a little brother, and I'm glad I've gone through the path I have to cross ways.
This morning it is storming, and it's nice to listen to.
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