Starting Over

This Tuesday will have been a month since you've passed. Not a calendar month, persay, but four weeks. I've felt a lot of things, a lot of overwhelming things, since July 4th. Almost none of them have been good feelings. Still, I'm thankful for my mom and my boyfriend, my family who's talked to me since then (aka my grandma and one cousin). I'm thankful for my friends, both IRL and distant. I know I've retreated quite hard into myself, and have really only spoken to a few people (and thanks to you, who poke me now and again.)

I've deleted all the previous posts, which is funny because they all came from 10 years ago, almost literally. Reading back was hilarious, but it's probably best to archive them all since they had personal information. Going forward, I'm just going to use peoples' online names, just for safety.

I think about the song "Life Starts Now" that I listened too so often when times were tough, and, Kael, this is the first time it's hurt to think that life is starting again. I don't want life to start without him. I know none of us can control it and all we can do is press on, but I wish, so badly, that I could go back. I don't know what I'd give for more time with him, because there are no words to say how much I love him and appreciate all he's done for my life. It will take days to talk about, and I guess I can do that here, but it's extremely hard. The only thing I want is impossible.