Dreams

 Staying busy is a blessing and a curse. I've been finishing up my summer class stuff before everything starts next Monday (as much as possible) and I guess it helps, for a while, to concentrate on that (though some things make it more apparent). I guess it's like having someone scream in the room next to you rather than directly in your ear, but then they're directly next to you again once your focus wanes.

Through all that I've been working on random Runescape stuff. My big long term goal is 93 slayer, so I can finish the achievement diaries, but I've been having a hard time staying focused on one thing, so getting there's been difficult. I've been doing herb runs to work toward my favorite cape (Herblore) and some birdhouse runs because bird nests are mega expensive, but doing daily/hourly stuff really makes a game not-that-fun to me. Doing dailies in FFXIV was better because it was always something different, and always with friends. Kael promised he'd help me get the Starcaller title on FF as well, which is from the BLM relic thingie, I think. And the dog mounts.

I also decided, a few days after you passed, what my first tattoo will finally be. Kahl's constellation tattoo is very simplistic, so I want to do something in that manner except with the Taurus constellation, with an emphasis on the Pleiades constellation. You were a Taurus, and mom told me that when I was extremely small I pointed toward the Pleiades and said they were my stars. That constellation is in Taurus, so obviously I need to take ownership of our stars. I was going to do it on my left forearm, probably on the inside. That arm's connected to our heart, and I've always wanted to make sure that no matter what tattoo I get, it will never be something I regret. That's why it's been so hard to choose something, honestly. What if it's just a phase and I'll hate it in 10 years? I know that this is something I'll never hate, and I'll always carry something we share. 

I've been worried about the biopsies they took, but I'm hoping they were just a baseline. Hope is distant, right now, just because I used it like a life raft all last month and, in the end, I sank deep into a biting, frozen ocean. 

I know our emotions influence our dreams, and I've started dreaming of you, in very not good ways. I hope that stops soon. I want to have a dream like mom where I'm told that you're okay, and that we are okay.

That said, I still find it insane that I had a dream over a year ago that I was visited by my first child, and I specifically asked if they knew you, and they said no. Of all the stuff I asked them, that part woke me up crying because I was so afraid it would be true. Shortly before we found everything out that dream came back to me and it's so haunting. Why would I have asked that specific question, of all things I could have?

I hate the coincidence or the premonition or whatever the fuck it was. I hate it for being right. All I wanted was for you to see me graduate, get married, and have children and I feel absolutely wretched and robbed.

School starts in a week, so give me a bit of oomph to make it through the beginning. I will need it.